Ask Not For Whom the Gong Tolls . . .

I just finished a marathon writers conference last week in Portland. The Willamette Writers Conference began Thursday, Aug. 6th with workshops and writers pitching their books and screenplays to panels of agents and ended four days later with a hilarious Gong Show for authors.

I was impressed by the Gong show event. Authors were invited to bring the first page of their novel to be read by an actor and actress to protect the innocent. Seven agents and editors listened to each reading and read along with a provided copy of each first page. If one of them didn't like something about the first page, they simply knocked down a TV-shaped statute sitting in front of them on a table. Four statutes down and the gong sounded, putting the crtics out of their misery, the author into an state of anxiety, and the crowd into a frenzy.

Yes there were probably a hundred people in the audience, seceretly judging, cringing, and cheering the few writers that survived getting the Gong. An emcee provided hilarious commentary, often joking about the judges reasoning and often sticking up for the authors.

"It's brutal, they (the critics) were viscous," said one the writers. "I've got to go throw up." And she was one of the few that didn't get gonged.

Listening to the readings and the agents and editors reasons for voting down the various First Pages was enlightening.

Many first pages had too much description of surroundings and not enough about the main character, place and time. One had too much sex too soon, according to a judge. Another first page offered bodily functions no one in the audience wanted to hear. I think that person was going for the gong.

Most authors simply didn't get into the story soon enough. One of the best reads of the night was lauded for starting at the point the story began, with action, and an interesting character.

I said the night was enlightening because a common complaint of authors is that agents routinely decline their manuscripts without giving any reason other than "not for us at this time" or "it's all very subjective, keep trying," etc.

Some of the stories had great premises, but may never see the light of day because an agent or editor stops reading because of too much description, bodily functions, or too much sex too soon.

What do you like to see in the first page? A long character description or an interesting character with a problem? An exotic setting or a firm grasp of where you are in the story and what is happening? I know some people like good descriptive phrases, but do you want to see them up front before the story begins or woven into the plot?